hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
