What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
