Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
