i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
