i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
