If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
