I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
