Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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