she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
