dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
