Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize