Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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