New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
