Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
