Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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