my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
