the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
