Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
