I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
