My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
