So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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