I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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