Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
