the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize