You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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