I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
