just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
