Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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