I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
being pregnant is like rehab
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Randomize
