You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook