I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
