I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
