Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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