Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
