the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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