My sheets look like a crime scene.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
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