If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
