Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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