Tell her she can't have a vagina
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
