is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
