You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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