Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
