Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
