Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
My bed smells like the plague
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
