i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
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You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
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He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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