just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
