Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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