Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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