I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
