Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
