I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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