Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.