matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
my liver is dry heaving
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
