Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
