im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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